Darcy Does Dessert
by CattusUmbra
Summary: Avengers Tower has an awesome kitchen, Darcy has a sweet tooth, and the Avengers(and Loki) have a problem. Crackfic.
1. Steve & Cherry Pie

Darcy makes a mean cherry pie, if she does say so herself. The fact that Captain America turns up is just a bonus. She is already halfway through her second slice when he walks in.

"Where is everyone?" he asks. Darcy surreptitiously looks him up and down, taking in the sweaty white t-shirt clinging to his abs.

"Thor and Jane are in her room, Tony's in Malibu, haven't seen the Wonder Twins all week, and Bruce won't come out of his lab. Which is too bad, because I made pie."

Steve is looking at her funny.

"What?" Darcy asks, taking another big bite of warm, gooey cherry goodness.

He keeps staring. After a moment, Darcy realizes he's staring at her boobs. Well, her shirt isn't that low cut today, is it? She looks down to check- ohhh. There's a big blob of cherry pie right above her cleavage. Darcy smiles slowly and looks up at Steve.

"So… want some pie?"

A/N: This will be Darcy, all six Avengers, and Loki. Let's assume the rule of crackfic where everybody can sleep with everybody because of reasons. This is cracky silliness. Sorry the Loki/Jane is giving me so much trouble!


	2. Thor & Brownies

Darcy loves brownies. Especially the ones pulled from the oven slightly undercooked, and gooey beyond belief. Mmm.

"Darcy, have you seen Jane?" Thor asks, wandering into the room. He is shirtless, again. He seems to have trouble remembering that shirts are mandatory. Darcy suppresses a groan.

"I think she's in her lab" Darcy mumbles, mouth full of brownie.

"Ah. What are these?" Thor asks, gesturing at the platter.

"Brownies, they're a dessert," Darcy says. Thor's eyes light up.

"I would try one, if I may."

"Go ahead, big guy," she says, picking up a brownie for herself and licking a smear of chocolate off her finger. Thor reaches for a brownie and eats it in two bites.

"These brownies, I like them." Thor says, grinning at his joke.

"Another!" Darcy cries, throwing one at him. It smacks right into his chest then drops to the floor, leaving a smear right across his pecs.

"Hey, Thor… need some help with that?"

A/N: Oh, and every chapter is 160 words, exactly. Not for any good reason, just because I wanted to see if I could. We've got Natasha up next.


	3. Natasha & Lemon Squares

"I see you made lemon squares," Natasha says. Darcy jumps nearly a foot in the air.

"Do you ever enter a room normally?" Darcy says, putting a hand to her chest.

"Only when I'm undercover." Natasha says, smirking as she deftly takes a square.

"Of course," Darcy mutters, taking another square for herself.

But lemon is one of Darcy's favorites, and so she takes a small, blissful nibble, savoring the tang and the sweetness. And ok, maybe she lets out a little moan. Just a little one. Ok, maybe it was loud.

"They are good," Natasha says, her eyebrow quirked, "but not_ that_ good."

Darcy wrinkles her nose.

"Hey, these are delicious. All lemony and sweet and tart, I added extra lemon zest-"

"So you like things with a little bite?" Natasha asks, suddenly very close to Darcy. Darcy swallows as Natasha stares into her eyes, one perfect eyebrow raised.

"Darcy, do you think that I could make you moan?"

A/N: Yum. Tony's next, and I hope you're enjoying so far! I may do a partner fic with little sex scenes for each scenario.


	4. Tony & Ice Cream

"And then my pants kept saying, take me off! And I was like no, pants, stay on!" Darcy says, licking her ice cream cone.

"Ah, been there, done that. Or done her." Tony says, smirking. Darcy grins.

"Yeah, my pants won. Oops." She nibbles the waffle cone. Tony is the best. Tony brings her ice cream when Jane drives her crazy.

"Completely understandable. And with your rack, I'm sure the boys' pants have the same problem."

"Yeah, because my rack is _fantastic_," Darcy says, small pink tongue darting at a drip of ice cream before it can fall on her boobs. Tony stares at her cleavage.

"Dude. Eyes up here."

"It's not fair, Thor and Natasha saw them, and I swear Cap did, because I stole his sketchbook last week and those drawings were really accurate."

"A lady never kisses and tells. Or fucks and tells. But yeah, three for three." Darcy grins.

"Want to make it four for four?"

A/N: Smooth, Tony. Smooth. And the crack continues.


	5. Clint & Caramel Apples

"Dude, it's just a caramel apple, not a time bomb," Darcy says. Clint eyes it suspiciously.

"I haven't had one of these in years."

"That doesn't mean they're radioactive! Just take a damn bite already." Darcy complains. October is upon them, and that means caramel apples. Yummy, homemade caramel apples, dunked in mini M&Ms.

Clint picks up an apple, then takes a big, big bite. Darcy's eyebrows nearly hit her hairline. A man should not be able to open his mouth that wide. Then again, the rumors…

"Don't choke yourself there," she says. Clint chews contemplatively, then swallows.

"That was pretty good," he says, giving her an eyebrow that reminds her of Natasha. "But I think it might be more fun to lick it then to swallow it…"

Darcy gulps. Ok, maybe not on the rumors. Clint makes eye contact, and holds it as he drags his tongue around the apple, then gently takes a mini M&M between his teeth.

A/N: I really hope that was blatant enough ;)


	6. Bruce & Badushah

"I'm starting to wonder if you're drugging the food," Bruce says conversationally. Darcy grins.

"Nah. I didn't even feed Tony anything, that was his own fault for giving me a drippy ice cream cone."

"How did you know I like Badushah, anyway?" He asks. Darcy smirks.

"Oh, Natasha might have mentioned something about India, and maybe someone saw you bought them a lot. So I looked up a recipe, and bossed Tony into getting the maida flour and ghee. And I made the sugar syrup myself, aren't you proud?"

And from the look on his face Bruce knows that she means well, and he picks up a Badushah. Darcy watches as he takes a hesitant bite, then smiles.

"These are really good," he says, surprised.

"Of course they are. I might have already eaten four of them. Surprised I'm not bouncing off walls from the sugar rush."

"Really?" Bruce asks, still nibbling his Badushah. "Why not bounce on something else?"

A/N: A badushah is an Indian dessert. It's basically a donut. Bruce… is both more subtle and less subtle than I expected. Rest assured, there was bouncing. Naked, naked bouncing. Reviews are love!


	7. Loki & Bread and Butter Pudding

Darcy is all alone in the Tower today. No Malibu for her, thanks, she's going to enjoy the blustery New York winter while she can. Snow everywhere, the Tower to herself, and a big dish of bread and butter pudding, drowned in Tony's best brandy.

"Well, this looks cozy."

Darcy turns around to see Loki.

"Dude, no one's home. Go away."

"Why should I, when I can take you as my prisoner?" he asks, teleporting to sit beside her.

"Just eat some damn pudding, you can play intergalactic hide and seek with the Avengers later." And she shoves a spoonful of pudding in Loki's mouth.

He looks ready to kill her, but then the flavor hits. His eyes close and he makes a quiet whimpering noise. He looks at her like a panther about to pounce.

"Yeah. And if you're very good, you can have some- hey!"

Darcy really should be more upset about being naked and covered in pudding.

A/N: This is crack!Loki. Who is still kinda nasty, but a manageable headache. He'll probably kidnap Darcy afterwards, then the Avengers will come for her, then Loki will attack Thor, etc. THIS IS NOT IN THE SAME UNIVERSE AS _In the_ _Forests of Asgard_ and _Of Spiders and Webs_. This Loki is way too silly. Hope you enjoyed the fic, and stay tuned for either Loki/Jane or a partner fic continuing this one. Only with lemons. Reviews are love!


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